February :(

So I know that the normal expectations for February are based on love. Only, Love during this month has an entirely different meaning. Lisa Calvert 02-02-62 to 08-08-08. My Mom would have been 49 tomorrow. She will never get to meet her first grandson, and I will never again have my Mom. It is sad. Mason is asleep in his pillow beside me, and I was watching him sleep and wondering how I will explain it to him when he is old enough to understand that his Mom doesn't have a Mom.....
My Mom had a lot of problems. She was an alcoholic, and a drug addict. I remember vividly, crying the day after Christmas in 2007, telling Jason that she wouldn't make it another year if she didn't stop. This conversation took place in the Hospital parking lot, Mama had OD'd on some bad drugs, and they had just told us that her heart was week, and there was nothing that they could do for a Meth overdose. You can't reverse the effects of the drug. Her heart rate got up to 167 beats per minute (which I didn't even know was possible) and that at 170 beats, her heart would virtually explode. She didn't stop, and we had another 8 months with her.
I still haven't been back to the crypt since the Funeral Service. I miss her everyday. It was hard for me to love her, but I did. I feel guilty most of the time about the fact that I'm almost relieved that I will never have to let Mason see how she was. She was.... difficult, to say the least.... I'll never have to explain to him how Nana was sick, and that she really did love him, but she was just too sick to be with him a lot. It will be easier. I will be able to tell him how she loved with all of her heart. She did Everything with all of herself. Whether it be good or bad..... The entire month just depresses me......