Last night the wind howled..... Like I haven't heard it do since I was a teenager. There was supposed to be snow, but all we actually got was this horrible wind. It makes me nervous. I'm not sure why. Storms and rain and snow do not bother me in the least, but this kind of wind usually tell of something that is going to happen.... I know that may sound crazy, but it seems like the wind was talking to me.... It almost felt like a warning.
I'm so nervous because things have been going pretty good lately. That isn't normal. The calm always comes before the storm. In my family you never know how it is going to start. Or with whom. This narcissism seems to be ingrained in my soul. It has been my life to look forward to the worst so as not to be surprised when it came. My first thought about anything is always "If I do this, what will the worst-case scenario be?" Is this normal? Does everyone think this way? I wonder. Not that it matters, because the problem is that now I'm worried.
My life has been pretty wonderful lately. I just had a beautiful baby boy with my soul mate. We both have stable, good jobs, and we have medical insurance. My life is good. I don't need any stress in my life right now. I can feel it in my bones that it's coming though.
Just a thought.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Home Alone
So "The Boys" went to play paintball. I was going to go, but it's cold outside, and I'm not in shape enough to play yet. Actually I haven't worked out at all so far. I really need to find a way to motivate myself. I don't fit into my regular clothes yet.... Well, 1 pair I can wear with a muffin top..... But we won't even go there. It's hard with an infant in the house. Mason will be 6wks old on Wednesday. And I just can't believe it. It goes by so fast.
So I'm sitting here all by myself (the baby doesn't count until he can actually respond when I talk to him..) and thinking that I have no motivation at all. I have put off calling the Ponder people about my FAFSA for a week. Monday I WILL do that. I am going back to school. My big Dr. appointment is Tuesday! Maybe me and Jason can finally do the Deed again. He's excited. Me? I might be ambivalent. It depends on how I feel about him at any specific moment. I'm hoping that Valentine's Day (actually the day after) he will step it up and do something nice for me. Daddy-O is going to watch Mason for awhile. He isn't the romantic type in that sense. He might surprise me every once in a while with a CD, or something like that, but he doesn't do the romantic gestures. I've been dropping hints like crazy, that I want him to do something. Just us at the house, music on the radio (I even made a special playlist) Have a nice dinner, and maybe a massage..... But, like I said, he isn't really the romantic gesture type. I won't get my hopes up too high. Oh, well, I guess that's all I have to say....
So I'm sitting here all by myself (the baby doesn't count until he can actually respond when I talk to him..) and thinking that I have no motivation at all. I have put off calling the Ponder people about my FAFSA for a week. Monday I WILL do that. I am going back to school. My big Dr. appointment is Tuesday! Maybe me and Jason can finally do the Deed again. He's excited. Me? I might be ambivalent. It depends on how I feel about him at any specific moment. I'm hoping that Valentine's Day (actually the day after) he will step it up and do something nice for me. Daddy-O is going to watch Mason for awhile. He isn't the romantic type in that sense. He might surprise me every once in a while with a CD, or something like that, but he doesn't do the romantic gestures. I've been dropping hints like crazy, that I want him to do something. Just us at the house, music on the radio (I even made a special playlist) Have a nice dinner, and maybe a massage..... But, like I said, he isn't really the romantic gesture type. I won't get my hopes up too high. Oh, well, I guess that's all I have to say....
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
February :(
So I know that the normal expectations for February are based on love. Only, Love during this month has an entirely different meaning. Lisa Calvert 02-02-62 to 08-08-08. My Mom would have been 49 tomorrow. She will never get to meet her first grandson, and I will never again have my Mom. It is sad. Mason is asleep in his pillow beside me, and I was watching him sleep and wondering how I will explain it to him when he is old enough to understand that his Mom doesn't have a Mom.....
My Mom had a lot of problems. She was an alcoholic, and a drug addict. I remember vividly, crying the day after Christmas in 2007, telling Jason that she wouldn't make it another year if she didn't stop. This conversation took place in the Hospital parking lot, Mama had OD'd on some bad drugs, and they had just told us that her heart was week, and there was nothing that they could do for a Meth overdose. You can't reverse the effects of the drug. Her heart rate got up to 167 beats per minute (which I didn't even know was possible) and that at 170 beats, her heart would virtually explode. She didn't stop, and we had another 8 months with her.
I still haven't been back to the crypt since the Funeral Service. I miss her everyday. It was hard for me to love her, but I did. I feel guilty most of the time about the fact that I'm almost relieved that I will never have to let Mason see how she was. She was.... difficult, to say the least.... I'll never have to explain to him how Nana was sick, and that she really did love him, but she was just too sick to be with him a lot. It will be easier. I will be able to tell him how she loved with all of her heart. She did Everything with all of herself. Whether it be good or bad..... The entire month just depresses me......
My Mom had a lot of problems. She was an alcoholic, and a drug addict. I remember vividly, crying the day after Christmas in 2007, telling Jason that she wouldn't make it another year if she didn't stop. This conversation took place in the Hospital parking lot, Mama had OD'd on some bad drugs, and they had just told us that her heart was week, and there was nothing that they could do for a Meth overdose. You can't reverse the effects of the drug. Her heart rate got up to 167 beats per minute (which I didn't even know was possible) and that at 170 beats, her heart would virtually explode. She didn't stop, and we had another 8 months with her.
I still haven't been back to the crypt since the Funeral Service. I miss her everyday. It was hard for me to love her, but I did. I feel guilty most of the time about the fact that I'm almost relieved that I will never have to let Mason see how she was. She was.... difficult, to say the least.... I'll never have to explain to him how Nana was sick, and that she really did love him, but she was just too sick to be with him a lot. It will be easier. I will be able to tell him how she loved with all of her heart. She did Everything with all of herself. Whether it be good or bad..... The entire month just depresses me......
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