Busy days......

OK, so it's been awhile since I've written anything. In my defense, however, having an infant takes up much more time than having a newborn. I also started back to work (which I am still ambivalent about) last Thursday. I wish I could be one of those stay at home, PTA queen, cupcake baking mothers that all the teachers love, but alas, my job offers great benefits...... Work always offers me the chance to truly understand how happy I really am. To work in such a small office, with fewer than 50 employees, we definitely have more than our share of drama going on at any giving time. I have learned over the last few years that money doesn't buy happiness (as tired a cliche as that sounds).
I seem to have fallen into my role as a Mother pretty seamlessly so far. Even though my Dad keeps Mason 40 hours a week now, we appear to be getting the hang of it. :) Mason makes it easy. He is such a good baby. He is 3 months old now, and growing up so fast. It seems like every time I blink, he gets just a little bit bigger. Jason is also great at helping with Mason. We have a nice deal worked out. Even though he mostly sleeps through the night, as long as Jason gets a little lovin' he doesn't mind getting up with the baby. So it's a win-win for me :). I do love my sleep.
I never make New Year's resolutions, but I have made a personal promise to myself to get the rest of my baby weight off. I am going back to the gym starting Wednesday. They do Spinning Classes and I am going to check that out. It looks pretty cool. I just gained so much weight during the pregnancy that I have got to do something. I am too small for my maternity clothes now, but my regular clothes still don't really even come close to fitting yet...... Oh, well.

The Wind Makes Me Nervous

Last night the wind howled..... Like I haven't heard it do since I was a teenager. There was supposed to be snow, but all we actually got was this horrible wind. It makes me nervous. I'm not sure why. Storms and rain and snow do not bother me in the least, but this kind of wind usually tell of something that is going to happen.... I know that may sound crazy, but it seems like the wind was talking to me.... It almost felt like a warning.
I'm so nervous because things have been going pretty good lately. That isn't normal. The calm always comes before the storm. In my family you never know how it is going to start. Or with whom. This narcissism seems to be ingrained in my soul. It has been my life to look forward to the worst so as not to be surprised when it came. My first thought about anything is always "If I do this, what will the worst-case scenario be?" Is this normal? Does everyone think this way? I wonder. Not that it matters, because the problem is that now I'm worried.
My life has been pretty wonderful lately. I just had a beautiful baby boy with my soul mate. We both have stable, good jobs, and we have medical insurance. My life is good. I don't need any stress in my life right now. I can feel it in my bones that it's coming though.
Just a thought.

Home Alone

So "The Boys" went to play paintball. I was going to go, but it's cold outside, and I'm not in shape enough to play yet. Actually I haven't worked out at all so far. I really need to find a way to motivate myself. I don't fit into my regular clothes yet.... Well, 1 pair I can wear with a muffin top..... But we won't even go there. It's hard with an infant in the house. Mason will be 6wks old on Wednesday. And I just can't believe it. It goes by so fast.
So I'm sitting here all by myself (the baby doesn't count until he can actually respond when I talk to him..) and thinking that I have no motivation at all. I have put off calling the Ponder people about my FAFSA for a week. Monday I WILL do that. I am going back to school. My big Dr. appointment is Tuesday! Maybe me and Jason can finally do the Deed again. He's excited. Me? I might be ambivalent. It depends on how I feel about him at any specific moment. I'm hoping that Valentine's Day (actually the day after) he will step it up and do something nice for me. Daddy-O is going to watch Mason for awhile. He isn't the romantic type in that sense. He might surprise me every once in a while with a CD, or something like that, but he doesn't do the romantic gestures. I've been dropping hints like crazy, that I want him to do something. Just us at the house, music on the radio (I even made a special playlist) Have a nice dinner, and maybe a massage..... But, like I said, he isn't really the romantic gesture type. I won't get my hopes up too high. Oh, well, I guess that's all I have to say....

February :(

So I know that the normal expectations for February are based on love. Only, Love during this month has an entirely different meaning. Lisa Calvert 02-02-62 to 08-08-08. My Mom would have been 49 tomorrow. She will never get to meet her first grandson, and I will never again have my Mom. It is sad. Mason is asleep in his pillow beside me, and I was watching him sleep and wondering how I will explain it to him when he is old enough to understand that his Mom doesn't have a Mom.....
My Mom had a lot of problems. She was an alcoholic, and a drug addict. I remember vividly, crying the day after Christmas in 2007, telling Jason that she wouldn't make it another year if she didn't stop. This conversation took place in the Hospital parking lot, Mama had OD'd on some bad drugs, and they had just told us that her heart was week, and there was nothing that they could do for a Meth overdose. You can't reverse the effects of the drug. Her heart rate got up to 167 beats per minute (which I didn't even know was possible) and that at 170 beats, her heart would virtually explode. She didn't stop, and we had another 8 months with her.
I still haven't been back to the crypt since the Funeral Service. I miss her everyday. It was hard for me to love her, but I did. I feel guilty most of the time about the fact that I'm almost relieved that I will never have to let Mason see how she was. She was.... difficult, to say the least.... I'll never have to explain to him how Nana was sick, and that she really did love him, but she was just too sick to be with him a lot. It will be easier. I will be able to tell him how she loved with all of her heart. She did Everything with all of herself. Whether it be good or bad..... The entire month just depresses me......

So Long Sweet Summer....

So a few seasons have passed since my first posting, but I hope to remedy that after today. But just to catch everyone (no one) up: Brother in Halfway House, as a 2nd parole violation result. My maternal Grandfather passed away in July.
Now on to my big news. We had a baby! In May, I found out that I was pregnant! In August we found out it was a little boy. I gave birth on December 29th 2010 at 10:49AM. My water broke (which only happens in 10% of pregnancies) at 1:15AM. By the time we got to the hospital I was dilated to 3cm. Within an hour and a half I was at 6cm. When they gave me my epidural it absorbed funny, so I was numb in places I shouldn't have been after 2 boosters to try and even it out. It absorbed that way because if I was in any position other that my right side Mason's heartbeat dropped. (Do any of you have an idea of how hard it is to throw up in a little pan when you can only move your neck?) Jason was amazing during delivery, as was the hospital staff! And my little Man came out sunny side up after 2 and a half hours of pushing! He had a horrible cone-head. Jason wasn't prepared for the cone head and almost passed out. He is an amazingly loving father who has turned into complete mush.
I'm off until March 9th on Short-term Disability, which is awesome, but I'm looking forward to going back to work. My recovery was nothing short of amazing! Now if only I could lose this last little bit of Baby weight and get back into my clothes....
I have had a hard time dealing with the fact that my Mom isn't going to be here to see her first grandchild. Van hasn't seen him yet either..... It just makes me sad that she will never know my baby. But I guess in a way it's easier. Now I won't have to explain how sick she was to Mason. Or be afraid to leave him alone with her. She had a horrible drug problem (as does my brother) that ultimately caused heart failure while she was driving. She hurt another family pretty bad when she wrecked. I took her death hard. But Mason will be able to know Mama for the woman she wanted to be deep down inside. The woman that the drugs ran off into hiding.
I'm upset with Jason's parents. We made a deal that only our parents would be allowed at the hospital, and his parents didn't show up at all. And waited 2 days after we were home to even come and see Mason. Then they only stayed for about 15 minutes. It hurts him so bad that they don't act like they love him as much as his sister's baby.
Okay, pretty good update. Maybe the next few won't be so far apart. I'm going to try to do this every few days at least. It really helps me. I used to keep a journal, but was nervous about people finding it. So maybe this will be a little more anonymous....